I'm Not a Monster
by Because I Can and Will
Summary: After the confrontation with Simon in the Jade Wolf Raphael is still reeling from what Simon said. He tells himself he isn't a monster, but the glint of his fangs in his reflection say otherwise, and in a fit of desperation he decides they must go. Hurt!Raphael, self-harm/mutilation, Protective Magnus and Lily, Set after s2e12


Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters should pray for their good fortune.

Title: I'm Not a Monster

Summary: After the confrontation with Simon in the Jade Wolf Raphael is still reeling from what Simon said. He tells himself he isn't a monster, but the glint of his fangs in his reflection say otherwise, and in a fit of desperation he decides they must go. Hurt!Raphael, self-harm/mutilation, Protective Magnus and Lily, Set after s2e12

Author's Note: So, this fic is something came to me from my own problems with tooth pain at the moment, and for some reason my thoughts went to Vampires and how important their fangs are. Therefore, this is a projection fic based on my own problems.

Also, after reading the books, especially The Bane Chronicles, and watching the show Raphael comes off as self-destructive character, one who has a lot of personal issues of self-acceptance to work through, so I think this fic works.

* * *

Raphael's POV

After arriving back at the Hotel Raphael snapped at everyone he passed as he headed back to his room to reorient himself. He knew he should seek out Lily, she was the one who always brought him back from the dark place his mind went sometimes, but he just wanted to be alone. Simon's words had struck a chord within him, triggering some of his worst personal conflicts. He was sure it was mostly coincidence, as Simon didn't know just how much self-loathing he had been forced to work through over the years, but he was sure the Daylighter had an inkling, and that was all it took to start the fire.

He finally made it to his room and dropped down on the couch with his head in his hands. He was breathing heavy, a bad sign since he had long lost the need for air. All he could picture was his family, and his sister who was all he had left. He cared about them so much, and had endured so much pain and suffering just for the chance to see them again. Rosa may not remember him, but being able to see her helped him more than he cared to admit. He knew how his family felt about Vampires, and so he had guarded his secret carefully over the years, careful to ensure that they didn't know the truth. Simon was right, if his sister knew what he was she would hate him, fear him, and definitely disown him.

He shot up off the couch, needing to move around and try to clear his head. He didn't realize he was crying until he saw the bloody tears that had dropped onto his hands, and quickly headed to the bathroom to wash them off. Once there he saw his reflection in the mirror, the bloody tears that streaked across his startled face. He gasped at what he saw, and in doing so exposed a flash of his fangs which glinted in the light.

Even though it was just a slight glimpse the sight of them filled him with rage, and the anger coursed through him. He was mad at Louis for turning him, himself for not succeeding in killing himself when he turned, Magnus for saving him, and Simon for reminding him of the truth, that he was a monster. He punched the mirror shattering it into small shards that spread over the floor and sink, some even cutting him as they flew or imbedded into his hand. He yanked the shards from his fist and saw his reflection in the broken glass as he did so. His fangs were completely exposed now from his anger, which only fueled his mania further, filling him with a desire to get rid of them, the things that defined him as a monster.

He took a large glass shard and slashed it across his gums trying to remove the infernal fangs, shouting in pain as the glass bit into his mouth. The pain served as a reminder of his anguish and motivated him to keep slashing, keep digging to get to the root of the mutated tooth. However, he was finding it increasingly difficult to find the tooth in his mouth without seeing it. Needing to see the fang as he slashed he stumbled out of the bathroom dripping blood everywhere as he went. He slid in the puddles forming on the floor as he staggered out the bathroom and into his living room looking for the mirror he knew hung on the wall there. His mind was focused on only one thing, and that was ridding himself of the horrible things in this mouth. He grabbed the couch for support as he walked feeling dizzy and weak suddenly, but unwilling to stop from his mission.

Once reaching the mirror on the wall near the couch he put a hand out to steady himself and once again looked at his reflection. The blood from the cuts was running down his face and chest ruining his jacket and shirt. Yelling in anger he jammed the glass deep in his gums slicing the delicate flesh of his mouth wide open. He was slashing at both fangs wildly trying to cut them out, the pain angering him further and fueling his mania. Once his gums were hacked open and bleeding he tried to grab the teeth and pull them, but found they were still stuck with the roots leading deep into his face. With his hands slicked with blood he screamed in frustration, and then plunged the glass into his face above his lips where he knew the roots were. Nothing seemed to be working and it was getting so hard to see through all the blood pouring from the wounds. Worst of all he was starting to feel so tired, but he didn't want to give up, not now when he felt so close to ridding himself of the things that made him a monster. If he could get them out his sister might still love him, might not be afraid of him. He had to continue, but fatigue was winning the war and he sunk to his knees, tears pouring down his face as he did.

* * *

Lily's POV

Lily had heard from a few vampires what had transpired at the Jade Wolf and headed straight for Raphael's room. She knew he would be there, and she would try to comfort him after the day he had. He may have come across cold and cruel to most, but she knew him better than anyone else, and she knew just how insecure he was about himself. She hoped that she could get him to talk to her and open up about what happened. She cared deeply for him and seeing him hurt always broke her heart.

However, as she neared his room she knew something was very wrong, and hurried her pace. She could smell the blood in the air, and there was so much of it, so much Vampire blood. Once she reached the door she didn't even bother knocking as she practically ripped the door off its hinges and searched out her friend.

Nothing could have prepared for the sight that met her eyes, nothing. Raphael was covered in blood, as was his room, and sobbing profusely on the floor. He was slumped against the wall on his knees, blood pouring from his face from the horrendous wounds, still holding the glass shard that cut deep into his hand. Worse than that though was his facial expression, one of pure agony and depression that cut her heart to ribbons at the sight.

She rushed to his side slamming the door behind her and pulled him into her arms. He collapsed into her embrace still sobbing as she whispered words of comfort into his ear. Lily doubted he heard them though, he looked lost and unaware of what was happening. She pulled out her cell phone and texted Magnus telling him he needed to come urgently, there was no way she could handle this on her own. Then she moved Raphael over to his couch and waited, feeling her own tears start to spill.

* * *

Magnus's POV

Magnus sat on his sofa reading through his spellbook, when his phone beeped. He glanced at it curiously, knowing instantly who had contacted him since each person was assigned a different alert sound. It had been some time since he had heard from Lily, and his interest peaked. He reached over and grabbed the phone reading the message quickly, and once he finished he dropped his phone as the color drained from his face and he stared blankly ahead.

However, he quickly grabbed the device back up and created a portal knowing he needed to get to Lily and Raphael as soon as possible. He ran through the portal dropping himself directly into Raphael's bedroom, and was floored by the sight that greeted him. His cat eyes widened as he took in the blood all over the room, finally landing on the group of vampires in the center of the room near the couch. Quickly he made his way over to them pushing through the New York clans top vampires to get to their leader who lay passed out on the couch. Upon seeing him though, Magnus felt his heart leap into his throat and a hand come up to cover his mouth as he gasped.

Raphael looked awful, covered in his own blood with gaping wounds on his face. Magnus reached out to touch his face gently, turning him to get a better look at the damage. He couldn't fathom how this had happened, and turned to Lily then, noticing her somber expression. "What happened?" he all but shouted at her.

She turned tired eyes glittering with tears to him, mouth quivering as she spoke. "Magnus, I… found him like this. He…. was on the floor holding a jagged piece of glass. I think he was trying to cut out his fangs, just look at his mouth." She began to cry then, sobbing as she covered her face with her hands. The other vampires stood awkwardly nearby, clearly waiting for orders to help with the situation, but Magnus was at a loss at what to say.

He continued examining Raphael and he could see what Lily meant when he looked closely at the damage inflicted. Most of the cuts were around the area where Raphael's fangs would be, and the jagged wounds suggested the instrument used to make them was not a blade of precision. But he didn't understand why this had happened, why Raphael would mutilate himself in such a way. Sure, he had engaged in self-destructive behavior in the past, particularly when he was a fledgling, but why now. He didn't realize he had spoken until Lily began to answer his question.

"Simon, he said something to Raphael that upset him, that made him feel compelled to do this!" Lily yelled brokenly in frustration.

It was then that one of the other vampires turned to Magnus. "He told Raphael that his sister would hate him if she knew what he was." The vampire then averted her gaze and shuffled awkwardly in her place.

Magnus knew Simon tended to antagonize Raphael, but this was hard to take in. Seeing Raphael in this state though, Magnus knew he needed to talk to Simon to get the full story, and soon. For now though he needed to heal Raphael and make sure he was safe and protected, even from himself. He turned to the other vampires in the room and began giving them orders to bring him healing supplies, knowing this was going to be a long night. As they all went off to do as he asked to pulled out his phone and snapped a photo of the room and of Raphael. He doubted Raphael would remember any of this, and he felt having a photo to show him later would be insightful for his hurt friend.

* * *

Raphael's POV

Raphael woke up feeling pain pulsating through his face. He groaned and reached his hand up to touch his mouth and jerked away when he made contact. He sat up quickly, confused and disorientated, unable to remember what happened after he confronted Simon. He noticed he was in an unfamiliar room, one he had never seen before, and his anxiety shot up.

However, Lily chose that moment to enter the room, carrying a glass of blood with her and sighing tiredly. Once she locked eyes with him though she dropped the glass onto a nearby stand and lunged for him, wrapping him up in a hug. She held him tightly crying as she did, and he held her hesitantly stroking her back. Cautiously he asked, "Lily, what happened?"

She stiffened in response and pulled back to sit next to him on the couch, moving her hands to hold his and run her thumb gently over the back of his hand in a soothing motion. He was concerned now, and the way she looked at him with a soft expression and sad eyes just made him anxious. Finally, she answered his question, flooring him with the answer. "Raphael, you hurt yourself after talking to Simon, do you remember?" When he nodded his head no she continued. "You tried to cut out your fangs with a shard of glass, and I found you covered in blood on your floor!" He winced at her volume and shrunk back slightly. "I was so scared that I called Magnus and he healed you as best he could. I was, and still am, so worried about you. Are you alright?"

Lily still held his hand tightly, and her eyes were glossy with blood flowing from them. Raphael couldn't really remember what happened, but it sounded awful, and he felt bad for worrying her. He didn't have an answer to her question though, he wasn't sure how he felt at the moment other than confused. "I'm sorry Lily, so sorry." He pulled her in for a hug, which seemed to surprise her since he wasn't a very affectionate person when it came to physical touch. She held him tightly though, in a protective manner and stroked his back gently, tracing delicate patterns.

"You better be, you scared Magnus and I. Please, promise me you will come to me next time you feel like that!" Lily's tears were drying up and she was trying to regain control of herself he knew, so he nodded he would and let her hold him for a while longer.

When Lily finally pulled away and composed herself he asked her the other question on his mind. "Where are we?" He really wanted to know, as he was sure he had never been here before.

She looked at him, studying his face for a moment before answering. She seemed to be deciding the best way to phrase her reply. "Barcelona, with the vampire clan here. After what happened Magnus and I decided that we needed to take you somewhere safe away from New York so you could recover. Only the top most vampires in the clan know why you are here, everyone else thinks we have business to conduct here."

That was when Raphael realized Lily and Magnus had no intention of letting him go directly back to New York, and that they intended to keep him here for as long as they deemed necessary. He wasn't about to let that happen though. "Lily, we need to go back now more than ever. I will be fine, but I need to be there for the clan."

"The clan will be fine for a while, what matters is that you get better. I mean it, you are staying here until Magnus and I think you are ready to go back." With that she got up, clearly dismissing him as he sat shocked on the couch.

"But.." he started to argue how unfair that was, but Lily glared at him and brought him the glass of blood practically shoving it in his face. She was mad now, and he decided to let her calm down before trying to argue his point again.

* * *

Magnus's POV

It had been four days since Raphael had hurt himself, but Magnus still felt shaken by the situation. It had been a horrific sight, one that he knew would haunt him for a long time. He had confronted Simon who had recounted his story and gotten a sharp reprimand from Magnus. He told Simon that two wrongs don't make a right, and that him and Raphael needed to work out their issues in a civil manner, preferably one where no innocent people were involved. He also cautioned him against taking advice from Izzy, since she seemed to be full of bad decisions lately.

He had been receiving regular reports from Lily about Raphael's recovery, which was apparently going well. He was healing and growing stronger and more confident each day, reverting back to his bossy nature and driving Lily crazy. Raphael had tried to call him a few times, but he just couldn't bring himself to pick up the phone. Every time his name flashed across the screen all he could see was the bloody image from a few nights ago. He just wasn't ready to talk to him yet.

Lily usually called him by now though, and it was making Magnus nervous. He wanted to know how the two were doing in Barcelona and hoped that they were having fun. He waited a few more minutes and was rewarded with the ringtone that he had assigned Lily. Sighing in relief he answered her. "I was worried I wouldn't hear from you today."

Then to his utter shock it wasn't Lily who replied, but Raphael. "Well it's not like you answer the phone when I call anyway."

Magnus felt the color drain from his face then, the image of Raphael from a few nights before flashing through his mind. "I.. you… Where is Lily?" Magnus managed to get out.

"She's fine, just had a bit too much to drink at the fiesta tonight." Raphael replied sounding tired.

"Oh.." was all Magnus could manage, too shocked by hearing Raphael to be able to form coherent thoughts.

There was a tense silence on the line for a moment before Raphael spoke again, sounding distressed and upset. "Look, I know you are mad at me for what happened, and I don't blame you. But I wanted you to know that I'm sorry, and that I didn't mean to upset everyone so much." Magnus couldn't believe Raphael thought he was mad at him, concerned and terrified for his wellbeing both physical and mental yes, but not mad.

"But I'm not…" Magnus began to try and console his friend.

"No, you don't have to try and pretend, I know you are upset with me and that's why you won't answer my calls. I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry, and…" He broke off as a sob broke past his lips, and Magnus had had enough. He knew that his ignoring his friend had caused unintentional harm and that he needed to rectify the situation quickly.

Looking around his apartment he made the quick decision to drop some extra food in his cat's bowl and magically pack a bag. "Where are you right now? I'm going to portal there." He said it in a firm tone that left no room for argument.

"At the vampire house in Barcelona. Almost everyone is asleep." Raphael softly said into the phone. Magnus knew exactly what he was talking about and quickly made a portal, bring his luggage with him.

Once he stepped through the portal he quickly ran up to the entrance to the house and entered the building. There was no one guarding the door, which surprised Magnus greatly, but that was quickly forgotten once Raphael walked into the room. Upon seeing the tired and disheveled form of his friend he rushed over to him and hugged him tightly. After a moment, he pulled back and took Raphael's chin in his hand tilting his head so they made eye contact, Magnus cat eyes boring into his dark ones. Raphael made no move to pull away, and seemed ready for Magnus to start yelling. There was so much Magnus wanted to say, but all that came out was "I'm not mad, I never was. I was worried, terrified really. You're like a son to me." Raphael's eyes widened and Magnus wrapped him up in another hug squeezing gently and crying softly into Raphael's shirt.

Magnus pulled away, looking into Raphael's eyes trying to convey a sense of warm and trust. They still had a lot to talk about, but for now Magnus wanted to assure his friend that everything would be ok, and that he didn't need to be afraid of who he was. He gently reached out to touch Raphael's arm once again getting the younger vampires eyes to lock onto his. "So, where will I be staying for the next few days. I do so love Barcelona." And in that moment with the twitch of Raphael's lips forming a small smile Magnus thought there was a chance everything could be ok.

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The End

So that's all. Please review, and I hope you enjoyed this story.


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